So. I have a problem. Or rather, have almost always had a problem with this. I don’t do well with free time. Mostly because I don’t know what to do with it. With free time comes a chance for my mind to dwell inward, and that never seems to be a healthy direction. Because that is when my insecurities start to become much more overwhelming, where I being to feel useless, unproductive, lazy, etc.
So when I am able to find ways to fill up my free time, I tend to obsess on them. In the past, it’s been through exercise (an unhealthy amount of exercise), working (I’m at six jobs right now), or eating.
Recently, I’ve entered my first true relationship (read-longer than a month or sporadic dates).
Great, right? He’s super sweet, treats me well, is honest, understanding, patient, hardworking-I could speak the world of him. How nice, you must be thinking, to have someone to love. That’s what I thought too, until this amazing person because the center of my life. My happiness now depends on whether or not this person is happy. My self-worth now depends on their opinion of me. My sense of security now depends on whether or not my texts are acknowledged, my calls returned. My mind is now constantly evaluating this person and their relationship to me. My free time is now completely dedicated to them.
Yes. I acknowledge that none of this is healthy. I mean, at least I’m self-aware, right?
But what do I do? How does one pull themselves away from the person that brings them so much joy? Especially when it’s gotten to the point that I am unable to enjoy their company because I’m constantly aware that it won’t last? That they will have to go home or go to work, and once again, I’ll be left alone?
I wish this entry was one where I came to a solution. But honestly, I don’t know what to do. Find a few hobbies? Try to discover my own sense of self-worth? To become more confident?
If anyone’s reading this, do you have any advice?
Because lately when I look into my lover’s eyes, I’m brought to tears by the pain this love has led me to feel-and he is responsible for none of it.
What do I do?